Day 7- Effective Anger Management Challenge: How toxic people challenge our abilities to effectively handle our anger!
The Force of Your Anger Is Tied to the Source of Your Anger!
“Toxic People-they’ll drag you down as long as you let them”!
Toxic people hurt others with their words, often unintentionally but sometimes on purpose. They may feel bad about themselves, so they make other people around them feel bad, too. Misery loves (or deserves) company, they seem to feel.
Toxic relationships are often characterized by hurtful remarks, constant sarcasm, belittling behaviors, or passive – aggressive interactions. The hallmark of being in a toxic relationship is feeling bad after being around the other person, though not always knowing quite why. If you feel a sense of dread when you see a friends number appear on your phone, or feel uneasy when required to meet with a certain co-worker or supervisor, because you always feel fearful, angry, or frustrated after you talk, that’s a toxic person for you. They may lack empathy and can be narcissistically-entitled, meaning that if you feel bad as a result of an encounter with them, they’d say it’s your fault, not theirs.
Toxic people cause stress in others, through shouting, losing their temper inappropriately, or being mean and saying horrible things, which they often apologize but later say again anyway. This stress can manifest itself in those on the receiving end as headaches, neck aches, back pain, stomach problems, general anxiety, nagging illnesses, or eating and sleeping problems.
The mind-body connection between stress and our physical health is clear: Stress on the inside causes stress to manifest on the outside. People having trouble managing stress may hurt themselves with food, alcohol, nicotine, caffeine or prescription or illegal drugs. They can grind their teeth, become sleep-deprived, and even develop autoimmune or digestive issues.
As discussed in a variety of posts by Psychology Today, the primal emotion of anger is one of your most powerful defense mechanisms. Instead of blaming yourself for what’s hurt, scared, or infuriated you—and so, as a result, feeling helpless, guilty, or ashamed—pivoting to anger enables you to project any nagging self-blame or personal responsibility onto others. And as long as you’re not really conscious, or critical, of this psychological chicanery, your so convenient “blame transfer” offers you a comforting sense of righteousness, or moral superiority.
As per psych.com – “Anger is a Secondary Emotion”!!!!!
Typically, one of the primary emotions, like fear or sadness, can be found underneath the anger. Fear includes things like anxiety and worry, and sadness comes from the experience of loss, disappointment or discouragement.
Don’t let toxic people rent space in your head.
Raise the rent and get them out of there.
If you know someone who insists on destructively dictating the emotional atmosphere, then be clear: they are toxic. If you are suffering because of their attitude, and your compassion, patience, advice, and general attentiveness doesn’t seem to help them, and they don’t seem to care one bit, then ask yourself, “Do I need this person in my life?”
When you delete toxic people from your environment it becomes a lot easier to breathe. Once you can start breathing clearer, you will recognize your feelings and emotions more profoundly, and start to effectively deal with anger and other negative emotions.
If the circumstances warrant it, leave these people behind and move on when you must. Seriously, be strong and know when enough is enough! Letting go of toxic people doesn’t mean you hate them, or that you wish them harm; it simply means you care about your own well-being.
A healthy relationship is reciprocal; it should be give and take, but not in the sense that you’re always giving and they’re always taking. If you must keep a truly toxic person in your life for whatever reason, then consider the remaining points…
Stop pretending their toxic behavior is OK.
If you’re not careful, toxic people can use their moody behavior to get preferential treatment, because… well… it just seems easier to quiet them down than to listen to their grouchy rhetoric. Don’t be fooled. Short-term ease equals long-term pain for you in a situation like this. Toxic people don’t change if they are being rewarded for not changing. Decide this minute not to be influenced by their behavior. Stop tiptoeing around them or making special pardons for their continued belligerence.
Constant drama and negativity is never worth putting up with. If someone over the age 21 can’t be a reasonable, reliable adult on a regular basis, it’s time to…
Stand up for yourself!!!!!!
Some people will do anything for their own personal gain at the expense of others – cut in line, take money and property, bully and belittle, pass guilt, etc. Do not accept this behavior. Most of these people know they’re doing the wrong thing and will back down surprisingly quickly when confronted. In most social settings people tend to keep quiet until one person speaks up, so SPEAK UP.
Some toxic people may use anger as a way of influencing you, or they may not respond to you when you’re trying to communicate, or interrupt you and suddenly start speaking negatively about something dear to you. If ever you dare to speak up and respond adversely to their moody behavior, they may be surprised, or even outraged, that you’ve trespassed onto their behavioral territory. But you must speak up anyway.
Not mentioning someone’s toxic behavior can become the principal reason for being sucked into their mind games. Challenging this kind of behavior upfront, on the other hand, will sometimes get them to realize the negative impact of their behavior. For instance, you might say:
“I’ve noticed you seem angry. Is something upsetting you?”
“I think you look bored. Do you think what I’m saying is unimportant?”
“Your attitude is upsetting me right now. Is this what you want?”
Direct statements like these can be disarming if someone truly does use their moody attitude as a means of social manipulation, and these statements can also open a door of opportunity for you to try to help them if they are genuinely facing a serious problem.
Even if they say: “What do you mean?” and deny it, at least you’ve made them aware that their attitude has become a known issue to someone else, rather than just a personal tool they can use to manipulate others whenever they want.
And if they persist in denial, it might be time to…
Put your foot down.
Your dignity may be attacked, ravaged and disgracefully mocked, but it can never be taken away unless you willingly surrender it. It’s all about finding the strength to defend your boundaries.
Demonstrate that you won’t be insulted or belittled. To be honest, I’ve never had much luck trying to call truly toxic people (the worst of the worst) out when they’ve continuously insulted me. The best response I’ve received is a snarky, “I’m sorry you took what I said so personally.” Much more effective has been ending conversations with sickening sweetness or just plain abruptness. The message is clear: There is no reward for subtle digs and no games will be played at your end.
Truly toxic people will pollute everyone around them, including you if you allow them. If you’ve tried reasoning with them and they aren’t budging, don’t hesitate to vacate their space and ignore them until they do.
Don’t take their toxic behavior personally.
It’s them, not you. KNOW this.
Toxic people will likely try to imply that somehow you’ve done something wrong. And because the “feeling guilty” button is quite large on many of us, even the implication that we might have done something wrong can hurt our confidence and unsettle our resolve. Don’t let this happen to you.
Remember, there is a huge amount of freedom that comes to you when you take nothing personally. Most toxic people behave negatively not just to you, but to everyone they interact with. Even when the situation seems personal – even if you feel directly insulted – it usually has nothing to do with you. What they say and do, and the opinions they have, are based entirely on their own self-reflection.
Practice practical compassion.
Sometimes it makes sense to be sympathetic with toxic people whom you know are going through a difficult time, or those who are suffering from an illness. There’s no question about it, some toxic people are genuinely distressed, depressed, or even mentally and physically ill, but you still need to separate their legitimate issues from how they behave toward you. If you let people get away with anything because they are distressed, facing a medical condition, or depressed, even, then you are making it too tempting for them to start unconsciously using their unfortunate circumstance as a means to an end.
REMEMBER: you can’t “help” someone by making unwarranted excuses for everything they do simply because they have problems. There are plenty of people who are going through extreme hardships who are not toxic to everyone around them. We can only act with genuine compassion when we set boundaries. Making too many excuses and allowances is not healthy or practical for anyone in the long-term.
What are your experiences with toxic people? What have you done to cope with their behavior? How has your anger effected your choices in people in your life?
⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️ Please share your thoughts by leaving a comment below.